Slowly Breaking - Adommy pt2

It was as if time had stopped, I felt him freeze up against me and I'm sure if I had pulled back to look at his face it would be a mixture of shock and anguish. Though I didn't pull back, instead I just leaned into him, hiding my face as I started to cry. He seemed to be at a loss for words for he didn't say anything, I was greatful though because, fuck, what could he say? Tell me it was going to be alright, tell me it was all just a bad dream? I wanted to laugh, laugh at my own fucking idiotic behaviour, sure I had just been diagnosed with cancer but, shit, right now I was a mere shadow of the Tommy everyone knew me to be, in any other situation I wouldn't present myself to Adam and ask for some privacy, heck, it was the band, they had a right to know to. It's simple though, I didn't want their pity or their shocked faces imprinted on me for the rest of my miserable life, I don't want to remember Lisa as the annoying brooding mother hen or Monte being the overly worried father, Longineu would be the worst to worry him with my problems when he is getting married soon just isn't something I want to do or disturb at the moment.

I felt Adam squeeze me slightly and I shuddered, grasping him tightly, proceeding to soak the shoulder of his shirt with my salty tears. I had started and I wasn't going to be able to stop, I knew I would continue on crying until there was nothing left to cry and I was left with a pounding headache and disgusting reddened face and glassy eyes, the thought made me scowl faintly. Everything had been going so well, I had been accepted into one of the newest aspiring bands and then I get this sneaking suspision of something not being right. I wish I hadn't fucking went to check it out, wish I hadn't been tested. I'd rather live a happy life not knowing I have cancer than walk around, well not for long, and knowing I have something nearly impossible to beat resting within my very cells.

I feel Adam's lips against my ear and then he's gently kissing my cheek, turning me so we are face to face. I look away, ashamed, embarassed of my tears but I see him smile, a soft smile that coaxs me out of my already diteriating shell.

"It'll be alright baby," He says to me and I try to nod as I give him a weak, fake looking smile.

No Adam, I want to say, it's not going to be alright, I'm going to be taken out of the band, I have to undergo chemotherapy, I will become beyond thin and starved looking, fuck, it might not even be the cancer that kills me, it might be the treatment. Worst of all I will be a frail 28 year old who will need major assistance to just walk and do daily routine things. I won't be in my right mind during over half of the treatment and soon my hair, my fucking beautiful blonde fucking hair, will start to fall out. I won't be what I am now, I won't be the Tommy Joe Ratliff you have come to know and love so much ever since the AMA's.. I will be someone else entirely only with the same name and face, I will be a impostor in my own body.

"Tommy?" Adam asks and I blink suddenly, his fingers carefully wiping my cheeks of tears. I sighed, looking at Adam's lovely eyes, imagining just jumping into them and being forever surrounded by blue paradise; like on a clear sandy beach with the blue ocean stretching out before me, an isolated tropical island where no one but Adam could come see me. The thought is nice and I huff, my imagination has gone slightly insane since this morning when I found out that I would be spending the next couple months cooped up in a hospital with death all around me and a IV shoved into my wrist as they pumped me full of sedatives and things that would make the real pain of my diagnosis and condition fade away into the depths of god knows what.

I wondered if it would be anything like getting high, I doubted it, not that it mattered because frankly I couldn't even remember back in those days when I played with Mouthlike, the drugs the confusion. How ironic, I find myself a secure spot and in a secure relationship with the sweetest man on the planet and then boom the next day I have cancer. Fate is cruel and twisted but I guess it's better than karma, she's just a bitch.

I don't know if I startled him but I stand suddenly, taking a deep breath as the blood rushes to my head making me almost loose my footing, thankfully though Adam is up in an instant, his arm around my waist as he rights me. I smile, a genuine smile, and lean up giggling softly as he bows his head to meet me halfway for a kiss. Our lips touch and through my small grin he slips his tongue into my mouth, much like he did at the AMA's just more tamely this time, we don't battle for dominance, I know he is the dominant one in our relationship and I'm happy it's that way, I doubt I could ever top him. There's a big difference between women and Adam Lambert.

We're still locked in a passionate kiss when Lisa walks back in, we don't part right away instead Adam takes the time to lean me back, bending backwards as he holds me up, lips now working on my neck, I moan softly and for a second I think he isn't going to stop, that is until Lisa clears her throat. He pulls back and I can feel the hot throbbing hickey on my neck, Lisa raises an eyebrow, Adam smirks and I shrug, what can I say? Clearly to Adam fucking me every other night isn't enough to claim he as his own so he has to go and actually mark me in front of someone, I don't mind, at least it was Lisa, she's understanding and she knows, well, so does Monte and Longineu but we don't talk about it at all with them. Monte will sometimes comment and Longineu might tease here and there but my love life, with Adam, is usually forbidden from our conversations because one, it makes me embarrassed and two, it doesn't need to be talked about, it's pretty damn obvious when they can hear us fucking (well me) in the next room of our hotels when we go off to play.

"Yes Lisa?" Adam asks and I keep quiet, looking at everything and anything in the room that isn't Lisa, I know she's watching me, she can tell something is terribly wrong.

I almost burst out crying again when Lisa speaks, "What's wrong with Tommy?"

Adam doesn't even bother asking how she knows something is wrong, it's obvious, I'm a fucking mess, my eyeliner is smudged and I'm sure my cheeks are still red and my eyes glassy. Adam looks at me and I shrug again, there's nothing I can do, I can't hide it forever, they'll find out... at least in the next week when I will resign from the band before talking over my possible treatments with my doctor then checking into a hospital, by then they'll all know so why not just spare them the wait and tell them now.

Adam seems to understand and he looks back to Lisa, she's waiting biting her lip before Adam gives her the information she desires. I can see something in her break and I'm sure Adam sees it to and seems alarmed but there's nothing to be afraid of, it's just Lisa. She makes her way hastily to the door where I'm sure Monte and Longineu are waiting for the verdict, before she leaves though she turns and I glimpse her teary eyes before she rushes over and gives me a bear hug, crushing me against her.

"I'm sorry Tommy, I'm sorry I asked, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry." Lisa utters and when she turns and rushes away out of the room I'm shocked to feel tears once again tracing little tracks down my face. I'm barely aware of Adam approaching me and embracing me from behind, hugging me much like Lisa had but from Adam's hug I could tell he meant to stay, I leaned back into him. This little embrace was symbolic to something much bigger; he would never leave me. At least not while I was still breathing.